Tuesday, April 19, 2011

personal post is personal

I have not written a sincere, genuine, personal post for probably over more than half a year now.
Tumblr happened and expressing yourself online became into this micro-reblogging robot, pretty much a 'mood board' per se.
My weeks were written down in bullets, barely narrating them. Sometimes I'd even just type up the word/event to summarize it. I have become more incoherent than ever, and I can't seem to string words properly together anymore. I have developed and mastered the 'lulz internet tumblr trollz' language. Idek.
Then there's twitter to say how my day went or how I felt in 140 characters or less.
I have basically lost the will to blog about my life because I've been consumed by so many things happening in my life.
I haven't properly expressed myself in (A REALLY LONG ASS ) while.
I used to blog about my ~gay feelings~ (think: 10 FUCKING PARAGRAPHS) all the time but I guess I've grown out of it.
I've succumbed to keeping my life personal and my mouth shut.
Well tonight is one of those nights I contemplate and actually write a post.
So bear with me on this one.

I don't know but it was a sudden memory that popped into my head tonight.
I realized how much I missed my bros - Kevin, Vitt, Vick, Miggy (Lao & Stephen)
I just thought of the few times we've hung out this year as compared to the year before wherein we'd practically hang out every weekend.
I still miss it sometimes but it's okay.

Let's take it back to the summer of 2009.
The summer that changed my life - for the better.
It changed me forever.
I guess I'm sort of missing those times (not that I'm complaining about this summer, it's been great so far)
But that was the summer I felt so alive and just so goddarn genuinely happy for once in my life.
It felt like everything was changing - and it only gets better from there.
My life became this wonderfulchaoticcrazycolorful roller coaster ride (pardon me for being so cliche)
I found friends who I knew would stick with me through everything, made memories that I will keep to heart, and opened myself up to endless adventures and possibilities. I felt invincible.
I guess I haven't felt that way in awhile and everything has become sort of routine. I'm still grateful for the life I live now of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. But there are days I wish life were a bit more ... different.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've somehow lost my 'much-ness' (Alice in Wonderland reference) over the years. What once was summer now has faded to gray, do you get my drift? (lol no) I used to be full of life -and I still am- but I feel like something in me has changed, though I can't exactly pinpoint it.

I dunno, things have changed alot since then.
2 years changes alot of things.

I guess I sort of went through this phase too, let me quote one of my favorite writers/online friend (LUUUULZ judge me idc):

lost in life, at the moment.

i feel like all of my friends are slipping away, and they're all wandering off, venturing to other people, loosening the grip on me and breathing the air of other crowds, and i'm left here to wonder how i've never managed to do the same

I don't know I guess it all just boils down to one word - Attachement.

You realize how attached you are to somebody then you realize what you've left behind. You start to sort of miss the life you had behind you. You realize that you're starting to lose grip of everything around you. You slowly begin to make each other your world. Everything spins madly between the both of you and all of a sudden, everything else doesn't make sense anymore, but it's okay because you both have each other anyway.

I mean, sure everything between you two is sunshinelollipopsandrainbows all the time but there's still that void you can't seem to fill. You feel somehow incomplete. A part of you is missing. Everything outside your own little perfect delusional world is somewhat...empty. I'm not complaining (at all!), I guess it's just that I want my life to be more balanced. I can't have too much of a good thing. I need my love life but I also need my passion, family, friends, God... all that. I need this certain sense of freedom, liberation. If anything, I am truly grateful because I feel blessed with the life I live now and the people in it. I love my life and the people in it.


/end gay personal crap

Brb, going to read my old blog posts/looking at old pictures/nostalgia tripping (sue me, I haven't done it in a reaaaally long time now, besides it's Lent. The season to reflect and improve your life. Okay, that didn't make sense. HAHAHA.) I miss writing about my feelings, looool. I've been staying ~neutral~ for too long now.

this is me summarizing how this year/lately has been for me, btw. - in case you're curious with how i've been dealing with life. =)) I guess I've been in a constant happy disposition. -and I hope it stays like that for a really long time. :D


I am too lazy to make a 'blog' post today so SUCK IT. My food blog post about today will come in once I feel like it.

I guess the point of this blog post is... I AM BORED.

...it's probably because it's 4AM and I am feeling chatty. I'm feeling kind of deep. Hahaha. And no one's here to stay up all night to have a stimulating, intellectual conversation with. Hahaha i'm kidding, although I do really miss that. Deep, intense, fulfilling conversations til' the sun rises.

Actually, I haven't had any deep, intense, fulfilling shit happening in my life lately. I've been making my life fun and exciting, sure, but nothing has sort of ... hit me in awhile. The kind that makes you think and makes you feel, and suddenly all of your senses come alive.

I honestly don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
I lost track.
Goodnight and Goodmorning.

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